This is the end, my only friend the end.

This one dead.  You go here.

https://mojodogboy.wordpress.com/

What do I want

I guess it's a strange question in my head.  I've always been the "do for someone else" kind of person and rarely think about what I want.  I always say that my goals were to have a family of my own and have a steady job/life to be able to take care of them.  I got that.  Now what?

I think it comes to quite a shock to myself when I dig deep inside and realize that I need attention.  You don't usually get that from someone who has Social Anxiety.

I think that's what makes me want to write.  I've got some results in my weekly Linkedin and I've been really psyched about that.  I've also thought a lot about karaoke as weird as it sounds.  Again attention.

I'm not sure I want to write a book about leadership anymore.  I feel like my experience and knowledge of the subject is limited.  I think my knowledge about leadership is based on what I perceive as being obvious.  I know a lot of stuff so I think I could write about other things.  Maybe it's a little bit of burn out and pressure from posting something every Monday.

Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me.

[8:22:06 AM] *** Kitty Hayden would like to add you on Skype ***

[9:04:42 AM] *** Joe Petryka has shared contact details with Kitty Hayden. ***

[3:54:52 PM] Kitty Hayden: hey babes u around?

[3:57:27 PM] Joe Petryka: Maybe

[3:57:47 PM] Kitty Hayden: i got ure name from the member directory here on skype cuz i was bored and lookin for new people to talk to. lol

[3:57:56 PM] Kitty Hayden: 25/f here u?

[3:58:34 PM] Joe Petryka: 46/m

[3:58:48 PM] Kitty Hayden: well what r u up 2?

[3:59:29 PM] Joe Petryka: still workin

[3:59:51 PM] Kitty Hayden: i'm just getting ready for summer vacation from school, i'm still in university right now so i'm really lookin forward to it ya know

[4:00:14 PM] Joe Petryka: when is school over?

[4:00:25 PM] Kitty Hayden: lol, welll i have an idea if ure up for a lil fun

[4:01:42 PM] Joe Petryka: (beer)

[4:02:12 PM] Kitty Hayden: i was actually going to be getting to "work" here shortly. my girlfriend was working online and i kept askin her about it so she showed me what she was doing when we got back to school after xmas break

[4:02:37 PM] Kitty Hayden: Lol i thought she was nuts at first, but its pretty cool actually. we work online doing private webcam shows which sounded sketchy at first believe me. but i freakin luv it!!!

[4:02:42 PM] Joe Petryka: a farting contest

[4:03:19 PM] Kitty Hayden: well what i was going to say is i have some free passes and i usually just do a private show before i get started to "warm up" lol. no one is online though so i was going to let u use one of the passes if u wanted but u have to give me a really good rating so i can get more if u do tho k?

[4:03:46 PM] Joe Petryka: Hey, is my body on straight?

[4:04:12 PM] Kitty Hayden: oh i'll earn it don't u worry lol. k its               and u should see a lil button to accept my invite and create your profile. u just click on that.

[4:04:32 PM] Joe Petryka: Goodbye Major Cinnamon Buns, I will always remember your buttery goodness

[4:04:38 PM] Kitty Hayden: then you just make ure own lil profile and u can cumm join my private chat for us 2 and type to me and tell me what you want me to do

[4:04:51 PM] Joe Petryka: That's right... I'm a gay robot.

[4:05:01 PM] Kitty Hayden: lol no i'm not a bot silly

[4:05:27 PM] Joe Petryka: Also someone might have been surprised by that and peed his pants... just a little bit... or a lot.

[4:05:44 PM] Kitty Hayden: ya you will need a card of sum sort... but, its just to keep out the underage kids

[4:05:57 PM] Joe Petryka: if I die, I want you to have my orange juice.

[4:06:00 PM] Kitty Hayden: this is the "special" page for special ppl!! loll im such a goofball sumtimes

[4:06:29 PM] Joe Petryka: For the record I want you to know rocks aren't people.

[4:06:58 PM] Kitty Hayden: i really can't wait 2 its goin to be so much fun. i love meeting new ppl on here, oh by the way... might wanna turn ure speakers down cuz i can get a lil loud once i get going

[4:06:58 PM] Joe Petryka: Well that's just a matter of penis--- I-I mean opinion! Opinion... that's what I meant to say

[4:07:14 PM] Joe Petryka: I LOVE BLOOD AND VIOLENCE! I'VE GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!

[4:07:20 PM] Kitty Hayden: i'm about to go grab some of my favorite "toys" i'll brb. hurry up though i better see ure name in my room when i get back lol

[4:07:28 PM] Joe Petryka: That sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch

[4:08:01 PM] Joe Petryka: What's your zombie plan?

[4:09:43 PM] *** Call to Kitty Hayden, no answer.

Send video message ***

Surrender

The crazy world of Taco

Do you know what one of the worst things in a chemist's life?

Spillage.

Chemist run reactions.  And one of the signs of success is the amount of material you get at the end of the reaction.  The yield.  Chemists will tell you that it doesn't really matter, but they're lying.

Today I spilled a little.  Not much and not enought to matter (I hope) but enough to make me not happy.

Something isn't right here

I always say that my father died of old age when he was 59.  It's always felt like something I was cutting him on.  But maybe that's not the case.

My father lived his life.  Maybe he drank a lot and smoked a lot and I think he did some drugs.  But he lived.

Tonight I stopped at the store after work and bought myself a bottle of wine.   I thought "I feel good when I drink some".  I'm not trying to get over something.  I'm not trying to not feel something.  But when I have a little bit I feel pretty good.

And that's what life is about really.  To feel good and to be happy.

I don't think I've been giving my father enough credit.

When was it decided that it was okay to become an adult?

Just started to think about some stuff:

The phrase "At the end of the day....".  At the end of the day you go home, right?

"Thrown under the Bus."  Might be okay if the bus isn't moving.  Who's driving the Bus?

"Bang for your buck".  This is a hunting metaphor, right?  My dear needs more bang, it's just not moving.

"Think outside the Box."  I like the box.  The box is comfortable.  Nothing bad ever happens inside the box.

"No brainer".  Maybe you need your brainer to make complete sentences.

"Too much on my plate."  Then don't eat it all.  It's called self control.

"Let's touch base again later."  Is this a game of tag we're talking about.  Who's on the base?  Who's on first.

"All hands on deck."  I hope two is enough because that's all I have.  "I need you people to go topside and put your hands on the deck.  All of them."

That's all for today students.

Anti-depressants and the world there in

Anti-depressants are a funny thing.  For a lot of them, they really don't know why they work.  Then again I'm not sure there is a full understanding of what causes depression in the first place.

A lot of anti-depressants work on the concept of increasing the amount of serotonin in the brain.  I think the concept is that serotonin makes the connections in your brain work.  Not enough serotonin and the connections don't come out right.  A little simplistic of the way it really works but what ever.

Anyway, when you start taking anti-depressants they take a long time to start working.  I've always believed it takes 4 to 6 weeks but I've heard sometimes as long as 8.  This is the main reason people don't stay on them.  After a few weeks, if you make it that long, you start to think "this ain't doing anything for me" or "I'm just a zombie on theses drugs".  This makes depression a incredible problem, a long with making you feel miserable.

On top of all that, you have to find the right ones or the right combination for each individual person.  That's right, different people react to different anti-depressants differently.  There is no one cure all for everyone.  Once you find the right combination you never want to change them again.  (Man this is bumming me out).

But then the next problem is that sometimes the ones you are taking stop working.  And it's hard to figure out which one or ones.  I'm taking three different ones right now.  If I start felling like crap all of sudden I have no idea what the problem is.  Sometimes.

Fortunately for me I could tell which one was the problem.

This one anti-depressant that I'm taking (we'll call it bupropion just for example) has a number of different generic manufacturers.  My pharmacy gets two different ones; a long, oval one and a round one.  The oval one works great, the round one not so much.  Actually the round one makes life worse.  I feel like I'm not on anything.

Of course my pharmacy can't get one or the other.  They get what's sent to them.

So after all of that background here's the story.

I end up getting the crappy ones and I'm depressed.  And I think to myself I'm gonna cut back on this one because it couldn't make it any worse, right.  So for the last 6 days I've been only taking 1/2 of the crappy one a day.  And low and behold I'm feeling pretty good.

So the moral of the story is this:

"How are you doing?"

I'm doing pretty good.

In backwards world the title comes last.

I've got a journal article that asks the question "What if time really exists?"  Think about that for a minute.  Time is really just an illusion.  The past doesn't exist anymore and the future doesn't exist yet.  The only think that exists is the very moment you are in.

On the topic of time, the going theory is that people are always chasing after something.  Gonna have money, gonna have a good job, wife's not gonna be a bitch no more.  But we never get to that end.  There is always something else to go after.  No time in any ones life has there been a "Happily ever after".  There is always something else.  There has to be or everything just stops.

There's another article I have that says that you should live you life out on your edge.  Push yourself just to the point that you're uncomfortable.

We all have to remember that the only guarantee is today.

Something something

Today, things are worse then first imagined.  Chew on that for a minute.

When I first started my new job it was great.  I felt like I was part of something.  Then there was some strains.  Before I started there were basically two people running things.  I came a long and suddenly there were three.  There was nothing that was said but suddenly it seemed like I was rubbing someone the wrong way.  So I backed off.

I try to be what people want me to be.  But I feel like I've backed off too much in the process.

Time to change.

Me brain hurt

So every once and a while I have problems with my medicines.  See there are two generics for this drug that usually end up at my pharmacy.  One is a long one and one is round.  Both (should) have the same active ingredients.  The pharmacy says they give out which ever one comes from their supplier.  But here is the catch; long ones good, round ones bad.

Guess which one I'm taking this week?  Let me repeat; round ones bad.  It doesn't completely wipe me out (cause I'm taking three others with no problem) but I guess you would say I get depression-lite.  Still pretty bad but I'm not rolling on the floor crying.

I've lost my modivation to do anything (mind you I really like my job).  I haven't been very social (social being relitive).  I'm always tired so I can't say that's changed anything.

The good news is that I can tell when this starts to get bad.  I've been warning my wifey and son for the last few days.  I didn't remember about the craziness with the medicine until today.  So I'm positive it's not psychosomatic.

So what do I need?  I don't know, someone could kick me in the butt or somthing.  I can't promise that it's going to do any good.

I have to start listening to my Doctor.  She says I need to shop around to make sure I get the right drug.  I supose I could get the name brand, but that's gonna be a problem somehow.

The answer is I don't know (yet).

SUPRISE!

Something I'm thinking about right now.

Okay, I get it.  I'm getting old.

I'm starting to feel the "I can't program the VCR" coming on.

My joints crack.  And if I don't move for a while they'll get stiff.

Overall, my body is breaking down on me.

And I think that's okay.

I still have what makes me me.  I know it's silly to say, but I'm young at heart.  I'm still going to do the right thing.  I tell my son "Do your best and screw the rest".  And that's what I need to be.

It's all good.

Now here's a picture of a lady holding a giant potato.

How do you define success

I put a post out on facebook the other day about success.  My brother had some comments which are understandable.  It was just a throw away quote that I found in my book somewhere.  I probably stole it from someone (the number one rule of writing: steal everything that you can).

There's a good chance that I used to define myself by my success at work.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  But I think when you're doing that you become dependent on someone else to tell you if you are successful or not.

I don't make a lot of money.  I've been fired/laid-off/suspended from most of my jobs.  I'm at a job now where there's really no room to grow.  But I am successful.  I like my job.  I think I'm relatively good at it.  I have a great family.  I'm a very good person.

And while everyone is different, this is how I define success.

Success in life usually can be traced back to relationships with people and how those relationships are cultivated by treating those people the right way.

 Correspondingly bad outcomes can be derived from dealings with the wrong people.

Random Picture

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

I'm still hung up on the phrase "Hope it all went in life as you wish for".  It's hard for me to wrap my head around it.

I understand that it's just a nice thing to say to someone.  But when you're 46 and some of the things that you've talked about are "just waking up to life" statements like that spin you around.

Everyone has regrets (or regurts).  I've got a collection down in the basement.  I haven't cleaned them up in a while because obviously I'm a procrastinator.  But you can't let yourself get down about the past.  You have to move on from today.

With my depression I sometimes feel like I'm frozen in ice.  Low energy will keep you on the couch for a long time after work.  Or at work.  And something has a hold of me lately.  Something different.  It's not about the lost people returning to my life.  That's more like anxiety.

Nothing yet

I know my son is not gonna like this but I think video games affect people somehow.  I'm thinking about vaporizing someone.

Random Picture

Random Friday Stuff

I was listening to Nickelback on the drive in (don't say it) and I was listening to the song Never Again.  It's about a guy who beats his girlfriend.  And there is a line that bothers me.  It says "She's just a woman."

First of all I don't think that the phrase "Just a woman" should ever be used.  It would seem to be trivializing what being a woman is.  Second of all, my wife can seriously kick my ass.  I guess all of us didn't marry a former wrestler from the Soviet women's team.
______________________________________________________________________________

 In my drive into work there is an exit onto a major highway into Saint Louis that is always backed up (thankfully I don't have to drive on it).  Some people will drive in the next lane an cut in front of everybody.

I noticed today that most of the people that cut in line are driving expensive cars; mostly BMW, Lexus, and Cadillacs.  It seems to be saying something about entitlement.

______________________________________________________________________________

Things are getting better at my job this week.  I think it all comes down to communication.  Let me tell you a little secret; communication is hard.  Communication isn't just you saying words and me hearing words.  The words go into my head, they drive by my insecurities, past my ego, down the road that passes by all of my craziness.  Once it gets to my brain it isn't the same as when it came out of your mouth.

When my boss doesn't say much to me for a few days it probably doesn't have anything to do with me (although in my head it does).  My wife's boss yells at her for no good reason or she's being slippery in order to keep her job.  Doesn't have anything to do with my wife.

When we communicate with other people we have to remember that I got my crap to deal with and you got yours.  And that stuff will roll over your intentions like a steam roller.

Some Random Pictures for You - Enjoy

Believe in me, Part II

So I've been posting on Linkedin on Mondays pretty regularly.  I've been trying to write about leadership in that forum.  But I've also been thinking about thing in terms outside of the workplace.

This is about having someone to believe in you in your home.

I have plenty of people who believe in me.  You might say that there are some people who believe in me more than I do myself.  But I don't think that it's always easy for me to recognize.

Maybe I'm the kind of person who needs a little more obvious attention.  Maybe having someone believe in you is a give and take thing; if you need someone to believe in you then you need to show that you believe in them.

Maybe if you're someone with a low self esteem (like I might be, I'm not sure) you have a hard time seeing that people believe in you.  I can't tell.  All I know is that I used to be somebody.




I don't know what this is but here ya go.

http://news.byu.edu/archive15-jun-siblings.aspx

The short version

So this is my thoughts on writing.

I wanted to be a writer way back when.  Then as my life progressed those thoughts got pushed back and having a wife/family/job took precedence.  Went to school and got a job making money.  Then the realization came over me that has come over everyone else in the world; work sucks.

So writing became a back-up plan.  I could work on my book in my down time at work.  I would think "if I can get good enough at it I could make money and quit my job".  When you're job sucks you want to have something to look forward to.  No one wants to be stuck in their crappy job forever.

Then something happened; I got a good job.

 I didn't want to be a writer any more.  I didn't need to be a writer.  When I was working for [crappy job] I would think about what I would do if I won the lottery.  I was going to start my own company and do thing to help out society.  New, better job meant that I didn't buy any more lotter tickets.  I didn't need the dream.  For the first time that I can remember I'm happy being a chemist.

Then I got an email from an old friend.  Someone from another life that remembered that I was going to be a writer.  And in the matter of 6 or 7 emails she said that I should be writing.

And while I might not need to be a writer anymore I do remember that there is the fact that I like to write.

Leadership #54

The major idea about leadership that everyone either avoids or doesn't understand is heart.  You have to have a big enough heart to care about the people who are following you.

And when I say heart I think I'm talking about a few different things.

You need to be friendly in order to be approachable.  Being approachable is key to communication.

Some people will call this being accessible but that is only half of it.  It's no good to have an open door policy if no one wants to come through the door.  Similarly you can be the most approachable person but if don't have the time to talk to people it's not going to mean much.

Second you need to have integrity.  Integrity is part of heart because you need to have people believe in you.  You have to know that your plan and ideas are right.  And they must be right.

The third part is courage.  Courage is so integral to leadership because you need to stand up for what you know is right.  You can have all the integrity in the world but if you back down at every conflict people will know you are powerless.  A powerless leader isn't going to stand up for me.

My head is full of boxes

I think the title to this posting is one of the weirder ones.

But I also think that it may be true.

I sometimes think of the information in my brain as being organized into boxes or even drawers in a filing cabinet.  These are all of the ones that are related to my family, here is some that are about my last job, and these are all of the things I think about when I think about the zoo.  They usually overlap with one another and a lot of the time I don't know which box to look in.  Then I get something like yesterday.

And I don't have a box for that bit of information.

Well, maybe there is a box but it's stuffed so far in the back I don't know what to do with it.  So I started going through some of the boxes in the back.  And it reminded me a lot about the friends I used to have.  People I've lost contact of and people that I've become....I don't know.  Afraid isn't the right word.  I guess they're people that I regret leaving behind.

I've had a few friends in my life.  I think I may have a handful right now.  But my depression, and low self-esteem, and social anxiety have kept me away.  I've kind of been afraid to open the boxes in the back because I know what is in some of them hurt.  So I don't open any of them.

So then I start thinking "maybe it's time to start dealing with that hurt".  Not with just some of the boxes but all of them.

Because I need to deal with the hurt in order to put the new information away.

Other Things

As people, I believe that there is an inner compass that guides us from right and wrong.  People who are bad, people who do bad things, become lazy, or greedy, or something (see 7 deadly sins).  But the true self leads us to the understanding that everyone is good when you get to the bottom layers of who we are. 

Some people will tell you the opposite, that people are inherently evil, and the majority of people believe that we are neither good nor bad (besides the number of people who don’t think too much about it).  The only way that I can rap my brain around any of this is to know that people are good. 

You can talk the bank robber out of doing what he’s doing.  You can convince your boss that he can change, that he can be the good guy and not the corporate shill.  I don’t want to be a leader that leads because of the temptation of money, or power; I want to be able to talk to the goodness inside of a person (does this goodness have a name, how ‘bout Willie).

Why has God given this to me?

I have lived the good life, been the good guy, lived how I think God would want me to.  There have been many times when I was without a job.  Durring that time with nothing to do I would ponder “what am I supposed to be learning?”

I don’t know if I’ve figured it out yet.  But I have come up with a theory.

From the moment I was born, I was supposed to be somebody.  I’m not a genius, I just worked hard and I’ve made myself into something.  

I still need to learn to be a nobody.  

I wrote long ago, I need to stop trying to be THE man and try to just be a man.  I am not Superman or Jesus.  I’m not here to save the world.  I’m not here to save my family.  

I’m just the guy sitting in the café window watching the snow, and writing a song.

Forgiveness (coming soon)

Stop judging yourself and other people in your life for what has happened to you in the past. Playing the Blame Game serves no one, least of all yourself. People did what they thought was best at the time, the same way you did. Learn to forgive yourself and others for past mistakes. Harbouring old grudges takes up a lot of time and energy you could be using in more productive ways.

How to work with difficult people (by the way, it's your boss)

When I used to work in Hell, there was a computer network were people in my department would store files and stuff.  One of the supervisors (or maybe all of them) took a class on dealing with difficult people and they scanned the notes into the system.  I like to study leadership so I downloaded them and took them with me.

I opened one up today and looked at it.

And it started me thinking.  The way these notes are laid out is how a supervisor needs to deal with a difficult employee.  And knowing the supervisors the way I do, that is exactly how they interpreted the notes.  But truth be told, the supervisors were the ones who where difficult to deal with.  And they all believed in the theory of "There's gotta be something wrong with them, it can't be because of me 'cause I'm great."

So let's write a book about how to deal with your piss-poor boss.  I think that is what is going to help people's work life more than anything.  And I think people would want to buy it and not have to be forced into taking a class on something they aren't interested in in the first place.

Forgiveness

I told my psych doctor that I felt guilty that I haven't forgiven my former boss yet.  She says it will take time.  I told my current coworkers last Monday that I wanted to run him over in my car at Wal-mart (at Wal-Mart because I'm kind of sure you can get away with it there).  Just thinking about it has given me anxiety pretty much all week.  Thinking about my former boss makes me think about my former job and the people I worked with and all it does is bring back pain.

I think when I was fired it was like I got PTSD.  I'm in a really great place in my life right now.  I have my dream job and I'm making good enough money to not have to worry about it.  But when I get a call from one of my former co-workers I can't answer it.

How to win at life and how to keep score

Wow that's a great title if I say so myself.  I wish this post could live up to that.

Just now I'm thinking a lot about pairs.  Apples and oranges.  Birds and Bees.  Trinidad and Tobago. Why birds and bees?  I've never seen birds and bees having sex together.

Today is a good day.  The weather is just right.  

I think the first thing we have to do is to like ourselves.  Moreover we also really need to trust ourselves.  I can figure out how to like myself ('cause I do.  I am great.) but how do you teach someone else to like themselves.

What is read and smells like blue paint?

Post-it

Wait, what?

Unfortunately,  sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better.

I like to post pictures and quotes because as you know, I'm lazy.

Excellence is a better teacher than mediocrity. The lessons of the ordinary are everywhere. Truly profound and original insights are to be found only in studying the exemplary.

Warren Bennis

The delicate ability to dance

I'm having ego problems lately.  I never have ego problems.  But here I am.

We interviewed a potential new employee at work yesterday.  I felt jealous I guess.  See right now I think I'm the number 3 guy here.  But what if this guy comes in and I get pushed down to 4?  I was seeing a lot of movement career wise here.  I had big dollar signs in my eyes.

But then I remembered something that I always say (and hopefully believe).  I don't want to be handed a title/position/promotion.  I want to earn it.  And here I am expecting to get handed it.  That's not right.

Then I was thinking that how am I supposed to prove myself when there's no one to compare me to?  If I work with this guy, help him out like I always end up doing the acolytes will come.

I always say that everyone needs to be true to who they are.  I guess you can easily forget that, whether you're happy or miserable.

Forget the Blame Game!

Stop judging yourself and other people in your life for what has happened to you in the past.  Playing the Blame Game serves no one, least of all yourself.  People did what they thought was best at the time, the same way you did. Learn to forgive yourself and others for past mistakes.  Harbouring old grudges takes up a lot of time and energy you could be using in more productive ways.


Learn how to reconcile, resolve and accept what has happened in the past and know that it has made you a much stronger person.  Acknowledge your fears and find out what's really behind them.  Many of your fears are likely to be groundless, but it is the thinking, attitudes and beliefs that cause much of the inappropriate fear.  Fear is often a disguise for your lack of belief in yourself and your judgements.