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I guess one of my fears is that when I blog I say the same things over and over.  I've been blogging stuff in one way or another for 10 years.  Obviously I can't have 10 years worth of new things to say.  Can I?  And when you deal with some sort of depression, fear can be a very big hindrance.

Deep down I think all I want to do is to help people.  This speaks to the low self esteem that I keep hidden (sometimez).  In my brain (which again is twisted in shapes that even I can imagine) I see that if I can help people they will have a good reason for liking me.

Sometimes I feel like I am a chameleon.  I can be what people need me to be.  Someone to do the dirty work, someone to listen, someone who can say the things that no one else can say.  What happens to me when someone doesn't need me?  Then who am I?  Is this the time when I get into trouble?  Do I just end up being myself or do I end up being bored?  Sorry, too deep.

Having depression it is sometimes hard to know what you really want.  When the needle on your gauge is pointing down you really don't want anything.  Nothing can make you happy; not even doing nothing.  So how long do I need to have the needle pointing up to know what I want?  Have I ever known what I want?  I wanted to have a family so I went to school in order to get a good job and to take care of my family.  Done that, now what?